Are you new ("vanilla") to the flavorful worlds of kink, fetishes and BDSM?
Or maybe you've explored enough to reach that point we all reach at some point, when you find yourself wondering; what the heck is the difference between a Kink and a Fetish??
Either way, I'm gonna do my best in this blog, to define what a "kink" and what a "fetish" are, without jumping on the bandwagon of just spinning old and tired definitions.Both because it's more fun, and because I know you're more than capable of asking google for the dictionary definitions of a Kink and a Fetish; which aren't exactly very helpful in their pithless accuracy.
I'm sure you could also get on Wikipedia and see what they have collected on the topics of describing Kinks and Fetishes; though they often are way too scholarly and fixated on the psychiatric perspective, than specifically providing examples most of us can relate to and digest.
What I've become accoustomed to observing in my own life and the lives of my clients, is that most of us have certain activities, mindsets, dynamics, tools, toys or environments that we need to experience, in order to achieve full arousal, fulfilling orgasms andor satisfying emotional connection. That is what I've come to define as a Fetish.
Then there are various mindsets, environments, toys, tools, activities and dynamics we really really enjoy, which make our sexual andor emotional experience sooo much better, to the point that we think about them frequently BUT we aren't so fixated or obsessed with them that we "need" them. We can and regularly do easily have wonderful orgasms andor fulfilling emotional experiences during other activities and tools; This is what I've come to define a "Kink".
To be more concise;
- a Fetish is a mindset, activity, environment, indentity andor dynamic that's required during sexual andor emotional sessions, in order to achieve arousal, orgasm andor ecstatic intimate experiences.
- a Kink is an a mindset, identity, activity, mindset andor dynamic regularly enjoyed during sexual andor emotional sessions, as arousal, orgasm andor emotional experience enhancement.
Example A: Stacy has a Pup Play Fetish
Let's say I have a client who goes by the name "Stacy", and she has a Pup Play Fetish. She didn't know about it until about 10 years ago, when a former Dom asked her to wear a leather Pup Mask and pretend to be a Puppy. A Poodle, to be precise; which Stacy thought was super fun. She enjoyed role playing a poople puppy enough that she told her Dom she'd be happy to play again any time he wanted to. Though at that point, she didn't feel any unhappiness at the idea not doing so any time soon.
It wasn't until Stacy had been directed to get the Pup Mask for the third time, that she realized just how excited and near instantly aroused she was, when her Sir told her to get it. By the time that scene was over a few hours later, Stacy found herself already experience the grief of knowing she'd have to go back to being a "human" again, and would no longer have her belly rubbed, hair combed, and be given so much undivided attention as she got during Puppy Obedience Training sessions. Stacy even felt strangely sad about needing to use a plate and eat at the table, having to drink beverages from a glass, and having to sleep in the bed instead of her new "kennel" that her Sir brought home for their second Pup Play Scene, when he noticed how much she enjoyed the game.
Most strangely of all, Stacy found herself fantazing throughout the day, about being put through her paces in different ways that dog owners and trainers do with their dogs; which she then pictured ending with fantastic sessions of passionate and fulfilling doggy-style sex right before being put in her kennel to fly through subspace while her Dom cleaned up and got ready to end the scene.
The more times they played, the more Stacy got found herself hooked. After a few sessions a week, she would hint and then beg her Dom to let her play the pup more often. Even after a full week of playing, she never tired of role playing a poodle puppy.
Following that week, Stacy had bargained with her Sir, that if he would play Pup for a full week, that she would surrender to a full week of new scenes to please her Dom's need for more variety. It was during that week with the Pup Mask left in the toy chest, that Stacy found herself unable to get very aroused or to achieve the same level of full body orgasms that she was achieving when they included pup play near the end of their scenes and sessions.
After a week of doing everything her Sir commanded, and he doing everything he could to excite her as much as Pup Play did, he finally looked her in the eyes and said, "I believe, my love, that we've discovered you have a Fetish."
Let's say we're now talking about a client named "Eric", who found out via explorations with his girlfriends, that he very much enjoys being pleasured anally.
At first, Eric was absolutely sure that he wouldn't enjoy recieving anal pleasure or prostate massage, but after hearing about the facts and some stories of the intense orgasms other guys often experience, he let his girlfriends "Molly" and "Miranda" talk him into to gently trying.
True to their promises to be reasonable, gentle and on alert for him to call out his safeword if he absolutely didn't like it or for any reason wanted them to stop; Eric found himself not needing or wanting to stop them from exploring this formerly "off limits" errogenous zone.
Eric in fact, enjoyed the experience enough, that he tried to subtly suggest to one of the girls, that they do some more exploration the next evening; though at the dawning of realization that Eric was actualling requesting Anal Play, his girlfriends became so excited and chatty that he almost worried he'd need to shush them in case one of the neighbors was close enough to hear them through the kitchen windows.
Eric's girlfriends took their conversation into the bedroom, and came back out to renegotiate hard/soft limits and to get his consent for some new toys and techniques they wanted to try out of him; all of which he agreed to while doing his best to give the impression that he wasn't excited to try and just enjoyed how much fun they were having.
After several more nights of intense orgasms and even feeling like he was more emotionally connected to Molly and Miranda, Eric finally felt like changing things up a little bit. He took the initiative to look for some new new techniques and toys he could use to pleasure the girls with, and then spent that night pleasuring their anal errogenous zones. A decision that was very rewarding and arousing for both him and the ladies; after which, he found himself very capable of and ready to orgasm.
After realizing that he was enjoying what the ladies enjoyed so much; looking up new tricks and techniques to pleasure and please his partners, Eric decided to continue to do his homework and came up with a weeks worth of new scenes, scenarios and roles to try; each one of which was super arousing and eventually orgasmic.The following week, Eric finds he's been fantazing about enploying some anal play with one of the ladies new vibrators, while they play one of the role play games from the week before. His girlfriends were very excited to fulfill his request, and thus, Eric found himself again bathed in the uniquely ecstatic experience of anal and prostate pleasure; which Eric found himself enjoying immensely, and enjoyed including in other experiences and experiments, to enhance his orgasms.
After several months, Eric's girlfriend Miranda wanted to create a list of known kinks between the three of them, for a Fetlife personals advertisement they were going to post in order to find a few additional play partners. Miranda noted that Molly had a Nipple Play Kink and a Leather Fetish, that she had an Oral Kink and a Bondage Kink. Pretending to play coy, Miranda asked Eric what his kinks were, and he laughing turned and wiggled his butt at her, saying "Oh you know you just can't wait to write down that I have an Anal Kink".
At least for the purposes of this educational blog post, up until Stacy's Dominant introduces a new role andor set of tools that excite, arouse and bring satisfying emotional fulfillment to Stacy before, during and after scenes, than Stacy will likely always need her Dom to include a certain amount of Pup Play into their scenes and sexual sessions, if he intends to pleasure her and bring her to orgasm. Without including some form of Stacy's fetish in their scenes, Stacy is highly unlikely to achieve full enough arousal to reach climax; leaving her both physically and emotionally unsatisfied.
Contrasting that; Eric includes or requests Anal Play more often than most of his peers. He thinks about how much he enjoys enhancing his orgasms & emotional connections to his nesting partners is when he receives anal and prostate pleasure; though he can & regularly does enjoy fantastic climaxes & ecstatic emotional experiences while engaging in different kinds of scenes and activities. Though his mind does often wander off in to fantasies that include anal play somewhere within them, Eric isn't obsessively fixated on Anal Play or find himself unable to achieve arousal if Anal Pleasure isn't included. He doesn't require anal be stimulation in order to achieve arousal, orgasm andor emotional fulfillment.
In short, if you find that you really love being blindfolded during foreplay and right before achieving climax and have an active desire to be blindfolded regularly, but you can get just as excited and reach completion point during other pleasurable activities; that is (one of) your Kinks.
Alternatively, if you cannot get aroused enough to orgasm or you just don't feel emotionally satisfied after any intimate encounters that didn't include you being blindfolded leading up to and during orgasm; that is (one of) your Fetishes.
Have questions?
Send them to Sexformant@gmail.com
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