How do You Define "Monogamy"?
Is it two people committed to never having sex with anyone else?
Is it two people never again talking to, flirting with, being friends with, looking at, or even thinking about interacting with anyone of the same gender they're normally sexually attracted to?
Is it two people promising to never change and never grow into a different person than they were when they met and became monogamous?
Is it two people committing to only ever share deep feelings, fears, ventings, problems, successes and desires with each other (w/or w/o a commitment of exclusive physicality)?
Is it a relationship dynamic that's been throughly discussed in great detail and agreed to by two healthy individuals who both desire, consent to, and are allowed to enter into and leave at anytime without threat of any intentional emotional, spiritual, financial, familial, psychological andor social consequences that have not been discussed and consented to before hand?
Or is it a dynamic wherein when one or both participants give or believe they've been given the "correct" "signals", that it's then fair game to assume a 'relationship' has begun?
Surprising or not, this last one is the most commonly found "definition" floating around in the average adult mind.
Up until the point that we're thrust into a moment of enlightenment; like coming across this blog at random or being faced with a relationship problem like cheating, we tend to muddle through dating, relating and friendship according to whatever our ego has come to believe it is; according to our experiences between the ages of about 6 years old and 16 years old.
In terms of relationship dynamics: If you were born before approximately 2010, it's highly likely that you were exposed to only 3-4 forms of relationship dynamics:
Whatever version of subjective monogamy your parents practiced: usually only lackadaisically defined by outdated religious texts they might not even have subscribed to or practices at the time.
The haphazard "monogamy" practiced by other adults in your life (family, friends of family, teachers, friends parents, etc...)
The unrealistic, overly romanticized and heavily imaginative Hollywood version of Monogamy commonly found in movies, books and shows.
Everything Else: Which is usually defined by everyone in the above 4 forms, as "cheating" regardless of how healthy, consensual, fun, romantic, stimulating and intimate other forms of relationship dynamics can be.
wherein one or both parties assume (w/or w/o discussion) that they're now a sexually, emotionally andor financially exclusive commitment to each other; also wherein one or both partners assume they have the right to socially, emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically andor spiritually punish the other partner and themselves until satisfied?
Regrettably, it's only approximately 33% of our population that ever even ask themselves the question:
Whatdoes "Monogamy" mean to me?
Less than half of those individuals will actually go to discover that most post-honeymoon monogamous 'relationships' are not much more than two people with huge attachment issues and unhealed emotional traumas, trying to convince themselves that they're each still the same person they were years ago and are still desperately "in love" with someone they barely recognize or have much in common with anymore, and who are still undyingly committed to their boring, stressful, depressing and outdated mono-relationships; all while trying to prove the other doesn't really feel the same way and has been cheating on us the whole time, mostly just to keep their own minds off of their own uncontrollable desire for freedom without fear of abandonment or rejection.
Most of those individuals who get to that second part, will go on to give deep thought to what they want their relationships to look and feel like; and end up healing from and getting over any emotional traumas they've been holding onto since their childhood and first few romantic relationships.
The rest will go back to join the masses, to afraid to challenge the relationship status quo designed by religious slave masters of the past few thousand years, who've been hell bent on ensuring that most humans remain too scared to approach even the idea of sexuality, sexual liberation, relationship dynamics (monogamy is only one) or unconditional love.
They'll go back to their lives happy with a simple dynamic that can't actually be defined as monogamy, and should more aptly be defined as, "If I catch you cheating, you're dead!"
No discussion of what's being defined as "cheating" or even what's being defined as being loyal.
No discussion of each persons hard or soft limits, love languages, deal breakers, preferred dynamics, fantasies, histories, triggers, peeves, kinks, fetishes, future goals, or anything else.
No Consent.
Just the assumption of a broad sweeping exclusivity to each other, in whatever way each person defines it; only to be discussed the moment one or the other stops meeting each other's assumed expectations, which may or may not come with the risk is abandonment, rejection, humiliation or injury at any moment.
If that sounds like the kind of life you'd like to live out for the rest of your days with the people you love most, then by all means, close this post and hi on about your merry way.
If it sounds like rubbish to you, and you're ready to discover and define what Commitment, exclusivity and relationship dynamics mean to you (andor your current partner/s), then hit that subscribe button and stay with me.
Monogamy can be a beautiful and powerful relationship for those who dare to define and consent to it thoughtfully and thoroughly.
It's a romantic, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, familial and energetic dynamic that very few species on things planet can and actually desire to make work consciously; including humans.
Though one that can be an ecstatic and wholly enriching experience for those individuals who are truly suited for it.
For those who are not suited to it (whether they know it or not), it's worse than any ecclesiastical dramatization of hell.
Complete torture.
Statistically, just as most species on this Earth do not subscribe to monogamy, neither do humans.
Most Earth beings have some form of open or polyamorous relationship dynamics; from the dawn of time to our current time, human sexuality has continued to evolve and be redefined, refusing to be caged or boxed in, even by our in polluted minds.
Which is why most couples who are truly meant to be life partners, end up evolving out of old undefined, non-consensual and haphazard relationship dynamics; eventually designing a monogamish or polyamorous dynamic that fulfills both partners needs without either one sacrificing or suffering just to please the other.
Together they decide what they want to keep between themselves, what they need to share with others, what they need from each other, what sort of personal space needs they have, where they want to be in 40 years, what they need intellectually, what they need emotionally, and what they'll do if they start noticing one or the other is falling out of appreciation for the relationship as it is.
Monogamous or otherwise, no relationship can survive in an assumed dynamic that neither partner has discussed or truly consented to.
In order for any relationship to be healthy, fulfilling, passionate and alive, each partner must first explore what monogamy means for them as individuals.
As individuals, we must be able to answer:
- What frequency of sexual and physically intimacy keeps you feeling connected, recharged and adored?
- How much alone time do you like to have?
- If you knew your partner felt Compersion for you rather than jealousy, would you enjoy being about to flirt with other consenting adults?
- What sort of emotional, social, financial, spiritual and familial commitments do you WANT to make to one person? (This is different than what are you "willing" to sacrifice in order to avoid upsetting your partner or keeping them from abandoning you)
- How long do you feel like you would feel satisfied, simulated, energized and free to be you, while committing to one person in those ways?
- Is there anything that you feel like you would have to require from one partner, regardless of how much it might hurt or depress them, in order for them to not be rejected and abandoned by you?
- What are your deal breakers no matter what relationship dynamics you agree to? Lying? Drug Addiction? Alcoholism? Crime? Social Interaction? Workaholism? Weight Gain? Chronic Illness? Financial Status? Religious Devotion? Disrespectful treatment? Sexual Disatisfaction? Emotional Cheating? Anything?
These aren't the only good questions to ask yourself, but they are a good start.
Get out some paper and a pen, or better yet -- start a journal; write down these questions with your answers, and then let your mind be carried by your own momentum and discover what your other needs are.
If you get stuck at any point, feel free to email me with your thoughts or questions sexformant@gmail.com
Sometimes it's easier to explore your own mind with the help of a good question asker.
Either way, once you've started exploring your own definitions and needs, take the plunge and talk to your partner/s. Whether you're already in, transitioning out of, or wanting to transition into a monogamous relationship; the one thing that will make or break the future of your relationship with the person you love; and more importantly: Yourself, is your ability to discuss it with them and design win/win dynamics with them that eliminate fear, doubt, betrayal, contempt, jealously and toxic relationships of any dynamic.
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